Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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