Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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