some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
