i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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