maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
