I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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