Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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