can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
