I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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