a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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