Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
