I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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