Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
