...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
