Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
