i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
