dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
