Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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