just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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