btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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