Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
