I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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