the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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