I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
