id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
