Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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