I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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