i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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