Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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