Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I could fuck to npr.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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