Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
