i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just found puke in my bra..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
