They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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