I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
