I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
