Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
