Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I need to calm my uterus...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
