You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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