Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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