I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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