The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
