The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
be right there i have to get my cape
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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