Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
