Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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