i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Randomize
