Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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