My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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