So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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