The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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