somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
