I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
