I think about you every night.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
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He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight