I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls