Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.