YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
