thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
your parents love me but you hate me
are you still at the devil's house?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
