she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
