i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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