This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have aggressive nipples.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
