my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
