I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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